Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It Feels Like Christmas !!!

For me, the most accurate representation of the treasures I would find in my own personal heaven could be seen any time you fly in a plane by reaching into the seat-back pocket in front of you and pulling out the latest Sky Mall. During my non-traveling periods I look to the next best thing, Hammacher Schlemmer, Sky Mall for the Earth-bound.

When I opened my mailbox today and found the amazingness that is the new Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, it felt like a Christmas miracle in July. Below you will find just a few of the highlights for me from this, July edition of the catalog.First of all, how could you NOT be intrigued by the interesting retro-futuristic item featured on the cover? I immediately looked within the pages to find what it was and it turned out to be none other than "The iPOD GRAMOPHONE." What home would this NOT look great in? The drawback however, is that the gramophone isn't powered and doesn't generate its own sound. Instead, you put your iPod headphones inside the apparatus and it projects it out the horn, resulting in music "near the sound level of laptop computer speakers." AAAAAnd it's 500 dollars.For all 20 years of my life I have looked for "THE BEST SWIM GOGGLES." Little did I know that they were living within the pages of this magnificent magazine...

Also, let me point out that the prefix "THE" is included with EVERY item in the catalog. This was, no doubt, a choice made by some higher-up in the company who thinks that by including this definitive word with every item, it will invoke some sense of prestige about the products, making the reader think it's like an EXCLUSIVE thing... Didn't work for me...

MOVING ON. Imagine the looks you'll get walking around with this luxurious timepiece hanging off your wrist. Probably about the same look you'd get if you walked around with a silver dollar taped to your arm.. cuz it's pretty much the same thing.You're right. This IS the only underwater pogo stick..

These sort of things always SOUND like a good idea but when you think about it, it really doesn't make much sense. I mean logistically speaking, if you're having a party indoors this remote control blimp is pretty much useless. Between the low ceilings and fans, it's bound to be either VERY in the way or shredded to pieces.
If you can't read the description of these: "THE GENUINE ELK DRIVING MOCCASSINS," they are described of being "cut from a single piece of CREAMY soft leather," which, to me, "creamy leather" just sounds disgusting and I definitely don't want it on my feet.
When I visualize the word "PARTY" in my mind, it doesn't look anything like "THE GIANT ENTERTAINMENT TENT." This tent looks straight out of Batman's cave and I'm pretty sure even he wouldn't be comfortable hosting a shindig in it.
In order to be of good value, things must be multi-functional. Like this hat for instance, protects from the sun's harmful UV rays AND repels women. And sadly, I will NOT be surprised if I see my dad mowing the lawn in this one day...
Now, I don't drink liquor, so I'm not well-versed in the necessity of it being 5 degrees, which this unit claims to make it. But the description isn't exactly all that assuring as it actually says "For optimal results, use pre-chilled liquor." So what's the point of buying a liquor chiller if, in order to use it, you must chill it first... Maybe it's just me....And finally, the item that would get the most use in my house, THE INDOOR DOG RESTROOM. Basically it's a doormat made of fake grass with a tray below that will hold your pet's urine. I don't know, this thing might actually work! Not too shabby. NOT. TOO. SHABBY.

Now if you could only TEACH your dog that this tiny doormat-sized space covered with astroturf is where they need to go to the restroom....

Those are just a few of the wondrous things I found, and I can't help but thinking:

WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?!

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