Wednesday, March 7, 2012

SURVIVOR: One World - Bum-Puzzled

Just to start, I have to say: I am SO glad there's no Redemption Island this season. There, I said it.

Now to the episode: It's great how, after winning two challenges, the women's team thinks that they are the masters of the island. When one of the men asks to borrow their net (and offering them half of the fish they catch), Chelsea laughs about how "interesting" it is that the "roles have reversed." "At the beginning, it was us struggling, and now the boys come by wanting everything we win in challenges."

OK Chelsea, yall won ONE reward challenge, and they want to use the fishing net that yall don't know how to work. Whereas yall (the women's team) begged and pleaded for the men to give you fire, and when they wouldn't, literally stole fire from the men and moved in to their camp when you couldn't keep yours going.

I'm not saying either team is incredible at sustaining life on the island, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, ladies.

So it's time for the reward challenge. Up for grabs is either pillows and blankets, a tarp, or donuts and coffee. Pretty much every loses their minds over the donuts (is it REALLY that bad out there?)

The teams have to launch coconuts at a structure of wooden targets. It seems like one of the more difficult challenges as you can hit the target and knock out part of it but that still not count if the full target isn't knocked out.

To win the game, the teams must be first to fully knock out five targets in a row. The women ultimately win the challenge (it was close but not too close) and choose the tarp as reward. Thank goodness.

But as much as I'm annoyed by the girls' newfound cockiness, the men poo-pooing their win as "just luck," saying "we didn't have time to learn the game," reeked of sore loserness.

Luckily some interesting drama erupted around camp when Leif opened his big mouth to Bill that the men's "Misfits" alliance wanted to vote him out, specifically their leader, Colton (remember the guy who said he had no allies on his team? Ya, he's the leader of the majority alliance on the men's team. Go figure).

So naturally Colton confronts Leif, saying that he sealed his fate by telling Bill the Misfits' plans. So it looks like Leif is on top of the chopping block this week. IF the men lose. And considering the women got in a fight about the next challenge AS they were reading their tree mail, it's anyone's game to lose at this point.

Kat says "I'm not good at puzzles so I need to be paired with someone that's good at puzzles," and it was as if she had told Alicia that she was going to set her family's house on fire.

"Are you saying I'm not smart??? I can't put together puzzles??" I'm sorry, what?

As I've said from day one, ALEESEEYA is a lose canon. Girl has got to go.

On to the Immunity Challenge: the teams are separated into pairs. The pairs must cross over a teeter-totter and then solve a puzzle (on pair at a time). The men quickly solve their first puzzle, while the first pair of ladies, puzzle masters, ALEESEEYA and Chelsea (the "roles have reversed" girl) cannot for the life of them solve the first puzzle, which Jeff reminds them is the easiest puzzle. So what do they do? Look at the men's solved puzzle for rescue. OH, HOW THE ROLES HAVE REVERSED!

Meanwhile, as the ladies attempt to solve puzzle #1, the men are finishing up puzzle #3 eventually finished the entire challenge (winning immunity) before the women were even finished from puzzle 2.

Please ladies, PLEASE: I will forget about everything ridiculous you've done this season if you will just get rid of ALEESEEYA tonight. Seriously, we'll start back at square one.

Luckily, after essentially losing the challenge for the team, ALEESEEYA laughed about how "easy" that puzzle was and how she shouldn't have lost it. It's like with every word she says she scoops out more and more of her own grave.

But wait, not too fast, despite NOT GOING TO TRIBAL, Bill decides to confront Colton about why Colton wants to vote him out. The whole argument is ridiculous. At the moment I can't really listen to either of them bickering. But it's what Colton suggests afterward: what if the men go to tribal tonight instead of the women so he can get rid of Bill immediately?

WHAT?! What are you doing? Get off this show! This is SURVIVOR.

What's even crazier, is that the men think it's a good idea! Let's give the women our immunity and vote out Bill! THEN they tell the women that they want to go to Tribal! WHAT ON EARTH?

They're making the women look like freaking geniuses! It's Jay who finally delivers the line inspiring tonight's episode title, "I'll have you guys know, I'm completely bum-puzzled right now." Me too, Jay. Me. Too.

INSANELY, it's ultimately the men who waddle their way into Tribal Council. They GAVE women the immunity that they won by a long shot. This will be. The most. Stupid. Decision every made in SURVIVOR history.

So it appears that Leif is the one they're sending home for betraying the alliance by telling Bill that Colton wanted him gone. But I thought the whole point of going to Tribal was to send Bill home? Am I dreaming right now? Is this real life?

Somehow Tribal becomes about how Colton think Bill has a bad life plan by wanting to be a stand up comic. Besides the fact that I don't think Bill is funny, at all, and I'd agree that he needs to not try to be a comic, I have no idea WHAT it has to do with anything... WAIT, now this is about RACE?! WHAT IS THIS SHOW? Jeff, do something about this! Make them vote now!

Finally Jeff says it's time to vote, after saying, "This Tribal Council will go down as one of the craziest in the history of this game." No, it is THE craziest. The only thing missing was a random performance by Cirque du Soleil.

Ultimately, it turns out the whole getting-rid-of-Leif thing was just a coverup as they unanimously sent Bill home. Good grief. I need a minute to process the last 30 minutes of this episode.

I don't know... I just. This is literally, the dumbest cast of SURVIVOR ever. I mean, even worse than those girls who hung around Russell all day doing whatever he told them to.

Alright, I'm done with this. That was insane.

Follow me@twitter.com/adamrucker